random post no. 16

it's been quite some time since i wrote anything..
blame it on my need of sleep. blame it on my lack of time.
blame it on my PROCRASTINATION.
why am i such a procrastinator?!

anyway, since i kinda forgot how to write anything, i went reading my past entries.
it's amazing to be able to relate to what i wrote.
reading my entries bring me back to my life in e past.
i feel what i felt then. the pain, the joy, the worries..

i am somehow amazed at the way i write sometimes.
especially when i write about love.
it must have been really strong feelings i felt, to have made me write that way.

ok, just some random thoughts. enough, change topic.

i hate being myself.
i hate being just mediocre. just average. just being me.
it annoys me to the core!

since i was little, i never dared to try anything new bcos i was afraid to fail.
so i never danced, never sang, never picked up sports.
i never ventured out into the unknown, never took an untrodden path.
bcos i was afraid.

i love singing, but i'm just average at it.
i love writing, but i'm just normal at it.
i love dancing, but i'm just weird at it.
same goes for badminton, netball and everything else in life.

and so i've grown up.
graduated with an average degree, got a pathetic job and bleak future.
WTF is this?
i'm sure i wasn't born to be like that.
i yearn to be someone better, to be successful like my peers.

but why am i just me?
the average, pathetic, loser me.

oh please don't tell me things like "bcos you didn't try".
try i did.
i threw away all my fears and awkward feelings and tried my best in everything i could do to improve my life.
but i failed.
time and time again.

u know why? bcos i'm just noelle.
the loser me.
i feel inadequate when i'm with my peers. they wonder why i'm in my current job.
what can i say?
BCOS I CAN'T GET ANYONE TO EMPLOY ME.
:(

argh. i need to get out of this "average" rut.

enough ranting for today.
time for bed.