have been thinking alot these few days. think my brain is about to reformat soon. my head is somehow always throbbing away and i feel dizzy quite a bit.
other than the job offers i have been so stressed about, i have been spending quite a fair bit of time at gleneagles. my good friend's dad is critically ill in ICU and i wish to just spend some time with her. seeing uncle tubed up in the ICU was painful. even more so since i saw him 3months ago after his operation to remove the cancerous tumour in his liver, and he was optimistic about how everything would turn out. an optimistic, semi-healthy person 3months ago, he is now on life support in ICU, fighting for his life. i feel so.... empathetic, if that is the right word to use here. i feel so much for my friend and her family, but i can't put the feelings into words. i just don't know what to say. i hope she understands my feelings through my actions and hugs.
cancer is really a terrifying disease. it literally eats a person up. life is really fragile.. just like vincent said, we gotta treat everyone like they'd be gone tomorrow. so i have been working hard to meet my own expectations of my roles in life. let everyone around me know how much they mean to me.
i guess after experiencing my grandma's sudden death, seeing jvs's dad's passing, and now my friend's dad situation, i appreciate my family more.
i love my daddy. i've always been a daddy's girl. when i'm with daddy, i know i will be safe. i know he will solve all my problems for me. although he pisses me off a lot, i do remember the things he has done for me. when i was younger, i once developed a high fever in the middle of the night. my daddy carried me in his arms and ran to the 24hr medical centre near my place. i remember feeling terrible, yet once my dad carried me, i knew my illness would go away soon. all throughout school life and even till now, daddy has been, and still is, my personal chauffeur. i am somehow always faced with situations when i can't get home myself. (last bus left already; no money to take cab; blistered foot/feet so i can't walk home; dizzy spells; caught in the drizzle/shower/thunderstorm; too lazy to go home myself very far from home etcetc). just a call from me, and daddy would nag alot and zoom by to drive me home. better than taxi companies' taxi booking service. personalised service you know? he knows where all my good friends stay, simply bcos he has been to all of their houses to pick me up. in fact, my daddy identifies my friends not by their names but by their address! to me, my daddy is my hero, my playmate and my entertainer. although he can't help us in our studies cos he's pretty much uneducated, he contributed to me and meimei's lives by playing with us. he always bothered to entertain us by playing games with us, go swimming with us, teaching us how to ride bicycles etc. today, my daddy still entertains us by playing PS2 games with us (although he gets pretty blur about which player he is and keeps "game over-ing") we get irritated at his attention seeking antics sometimes, but really he is quite funny and adorable.
i love my mummy. she's my wonderwoman, my know-it-all, my guide book to life. she always knows what's best for me. she's the one i turn to for advice and support. and i know, eventually when i choose to walk my own path in life, she'll always be there to support me. mummy brought us up to be decisive, to be strong and to be cautious but bold when making decisions. i'd always thought i veered off these traits, and nic is the independent, strong and decisive one. but as i grow up and see more people around me, i realise i am really much better off than a lot of people in the "decisive, strong and bold" department. i appreciate my mummy's efforts for putting me in a top school and keeping me firmly grounded. i hate the elitist mentality, but being from one of the best schs in singapore create an exposure and experience like no other. and i am proud that i mix well with other people from other schools. although my mummy is a full-time working mother, she never compromises on the time she has for us. she still rushes home to cook a sumptuous dinner for the family, and does all the housework at home. i feel bad that i havent done well in my studies, not as well as she would have liked me to (mummy paid a lot trying to get me educated), but i hope i can make it up to her in other ways.
i could go on and on about my parents. but i'm being summoned for dinner.
being a parent is a tireless job. can't just quit being a parent when you get tired of looking after and being responsible of a child. but still, i am looking forward to be a mother of the children of the man i love. :)
do you appreciate the people around you? treasure them before it's too late.
i think this is going to be the random-est post everrrr!
i am so in love with the F4 song 在这里等你. it is so damn nice can! freaking addictive. just like 仔仔's 我不是F4 and 棒棒堂's YES!. i am so shamelessly teeny-boppy. this is what unemployment does to you. while the bf is slacking working very hard at work to feed me, i sit in front of the computer and drool over other guys. just kidding, baby. my favourite pastime is looking at my hair and picking out the split ends. how boring.
christmas came and went. and so did new year's day. am i old or what?! while more than half of Singapore's crazy population was out partying with the crowds, i was at home, sitting in front of the tv, feeling very satisfied with the program on TVBS-asia channel. what happened to the i-wanna-party feelings?
no specific new year resolutions for this year. resolutions somehow are not achieved. HAHAHAHA this year, i just wanna learn. to live, to love, to mature, to treasure.
2007 was quite a happening year. fair share of happiness and unhappiness.
i completed gms's fish farms project and exam.
i graduated.
i lost love.
i found full-time employment. i quit that job and became unemployed.
said goodbye to my darling grandma.
i struggled with job search and doubted my self-worth. but he never allowed me to put myself down. thank u, my baby.
birthday surprises 07! a present that came to me thru snail mail! i luff 9jm! and something i'd always wanted. from my boy! muacks*
most importantly, in 2007, i found freedom. after so many half-hearted attempts and declaration of "i have let go", i know i have finally put down the burden. after tormenting myself for so long, i finally realised that i have stopped crying when i look at our pictures. i can put away his gifts to me without shedding a tear. so this is what freedom feels like. :)
so i've returned from my very last minute trip to genting. last week. only got e photos yesterday though. thanks yuehlin, for lending us your power-packed cam.
the trip was a treat from the darling. all expenses paid by him. :)
we went to the casino...
ate yummy baskin robbins ice cream...
went on the ferris wheel!! *yay* ferris wheel delight!
happyyy la. thank u baby!
:) was a great trip! (except for the journey back home. we were both suppressing the urge to puke.)
energy was in town over the weekend. we busied ourselves with trying to be nice to each other, trying to fit into UM's crappy demands etc.
i guess this trip was crucial for them. i hoped the best for them. i guess we all hoped the best for this trip. but we've grown up, moved on with other important things in life. we have other priorities to look after. we're no longer the carefree students we were when we started chasing them. we tried to help whenever we could, and all of us deserve a big pat on the back. love u girls larhs.
one autograph session and one hug-the-fans session. what a crappy promotional schedule. so much for UM's professionalism.
auto session... i was pleasantly surprised by kunda, ahdi and xiaogang. kunda and ahdi, for remembering me. xiaogang, for remembering LRX cos we gave him a card.
hug-the-fans session... i was very very very touched by kunda. he made me feel very appreciated as a fan. 好像跟一個老朋友相聚。。 5 年了。。真的沒有白疼你們。 as i came down the stage, lots of memories flooded back, bringing tears to my eyes. yes, i am proud to be an energy fan.
notice how shuwei was conveniently left out of my recaps? cos i am still not impressed with his goldfish memory. (he has NEVER managed to impress me.) somehow SW has always been the skip-and-go member to me. i would forget to shake his hands at handshake sessions, totally skip him at auto sessions etc.
speical thanks go out to the darling bf who was understanding throughout the trip. despite not sharing my views on idolism, he was supportive. thank you baby. although there was some tension, i'm glad we ironed it out quickly. *muacks*
p.s: i realised my post is very incoherent. gawd! what happened to my writing? must be the lack of sleep..
i remember those days when i stayed over at your house. i remember those days when we walked hand-in-hand to buy breakfast.
i remember those days when you were lively and healthy.. you would cook a fantastic spread of dishes for dinner. i remember those days when you were so happy to see us enjoying your yummy fried chicken wings.
i remember those days when you brought me to wedding dinners and proudly announced to your friends that i was your eldest granddaughter.
i remember those days when i slept in the same room as you.
i remember the day i saw you in ICU after your heart bypass - you were in pain, tubed up. i cried, but you told me you were alright.
i remember the days we spent together on holidays. australia, china, m'sia, thailand, macau... i hope you enjoyed the holidays with us.
i remember that i learnt how to sing hokkien songs for you. i remember you beaming at me, when i sang them for you.
i remember that you were delighted when i gave you money from my first pay cheque! i wish i could continue giving you a portion of my pay..
i remember all the visits to the doctor's. you would complain about the long wait, and i would talk to you to distract you.
i remember i would call you at random, just to ask you if you had eaten your dinner. in fact, i still remember your old house number - 2877552.
i remember you reaching out to hold my hands when i was a little girl.. and i remember giving you my hand for support as you aged.
i remember that you loved me. i'll never forget that. thank you for looking after me when i was a baby. it has been hard on you. you have toiled long enough.. rest well.
convocation ceremony tmr. lots of mixed feelings. i'm excited at the prospect of seeing everyone in school again! i'm happy cos i'm finally graduating. i'm sad cos it's the end of my school life. i'm worried cos WHAT IF I FALL DOWN ON STAGE?!?! i'm upset cos i didn't graduate with honours, and compared to my sis who was valedictorian of her batch, i'm pathetic. i'm annoyed cos i don't like the school's system of collecting tickets and such.
ARGHHHHHHHH will i be able to sleep well tonight?
a new phase of my life is beginning. will you walk with me?
i just looked thru my msn list. and i realised i don't talk to 75% of the pple on it. e bulk of it comes clearly from the NTU group. i have 49 people in that group, and i talk to 5 of them regularly, and 3 more of them occasionally. i bet most of them don't remember who i am. we worked briefly together on various projects in a particular sem, and msn happened to be the easiest way of communicating with each other. but when the project ends, so does the communication.
i am, however, more upset and disappointed at how i handle my relationships with the other people in my other groups.
9jms don't contribute to my disappointment. they clear this easily, cos i do chat with them online regularly.
under the group that i labelled "Energy Fans", i keep constant contact with HL, Christine, Peirong and Loojean. and i'm thankful to them for making the effort to work at our friendship.
"JC friends". i chat with 5 out of 17 regularly, 3 occasionally, and e rest, NOT AT ALL. what am i doing?! why are they even on my list?!
my "SC girls" failed terribly. out of 9 girls, i chat with 3 of them very very VERY occasionally, and not with e rest of the 6 girls. once again, why are they even on my list?! and why am i on their list?!
and the group that upset me the most: "YZULTD" yzultd gave me beautiful memories. we forged friendships that managed to extend further than just our liking for yanzi. or so it seemed. i guess life is taking a toll on the friendship. out of 14 people in the group (including wilson who is basically non-existent on my msn cos he probably blocked and deleted me, resulting in me NEVER seeing him online), i talk to a grand total of 1 person occasionally. SIGH SIGH SIGH. even as i fight hard to protect my memories of YZULTD, they are slowly but surely, fading away. and i am feeling a strong need to build up more memories. as much as i can, i stay away from places that i frequented with them, so as to not "taint" the memory i have of that place. something must be done soon. i need money. and den i can organise a chalet or something.
you know how we feel down and depressed until we meet our angel, who makes everything seem alright again? xy was my angel yesterday. yes xy! YOU! :)
you know how you think you are treasured by your friends, but you don't actually know bcos no one ever says anything? do you know the feeling when someone tells you that you really matter to them?
girl, i was truly touched. i held back my tears at Fish & Co, cos i didn't want us to look silly. but when i got home and read your msg, my tears flowed.
thank you xinyan! thank you for letting me know that i'll be missed if i leave. thank you for overlooking my flaws, and being my bestie in uni! thank you for watching over me always. thank you for lending me a listening ear. thank you for being there when i need advice and encouragement.. your words always make a lot of sense to me! thank you for being my angel of the day... :)
it was enjoyable as a whole, except for the red carpet event. the 2 hosts had no chemistry at all, and kept interrupting their interviewees. very annoying to watch.
i loved the performances, especially the opening performance by Jolin. although i was never a big fan of hers, i see her effort and her improvements throughout the years. for that, i salute her. RESPECT. she won Best Female last night! i can't deny that she's not the one with the best vocals, but for all the hard work she has put it, she really deserves the Best Female title.
Tegomasu was good! i was impressed by them! johnny's trained them well.. LOL but they didn't electrify me.
the people who ELECTRIFIED me were.........
SUPER JUNIORRRRRR!!! <3<3
WATCH IT WATCH IT! as xinyan says, "THEY DID SO WELL!!" yes i agree. being only a one-quarter (not even half leh.) hearted SUJU fan, i LOVED LOVED LOVED their performance! HANKYUNGGGG!!! EETEUK!!!! i was squealing and screaming NON-STOP when they appeared. btw, my mum asked me a funny question.. "so many of them! how do they earn money?!" cue laughter. (it's SM entertainment that earns MOST of the money. sniggers.)
my alcohol tolerance is at an all-time low. i suck at drinking. let's see.. i drank less than one-third of my sex-on-the-beach cocktail, and no more than 5 mouthfuls of hoegarden. and i threw it all up. retching by the toilet bowl is NOT nice at all.
i should either: 1) stop drinking completely OR 2) drink more to build up my alcohol tolerance.
my choice for the time being would be 1. although i really should learn to hold my liquor, alcohol makes me feel oh-so-bad. everyone please stop me from drinking.
P.S: one good thing though, i finally managed a good 8 hours of sleep.
i decided to do a senseless quiz like huiling. it's one of those pointless quizzes that don't take up too much brain power. i havent done one since sec1. i shall just do one for old times sake. (what am i talking about? i need sleep badly.) hee.
1. Where is your cell phone? :: on my computer table
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? :: is in his exam hall.
3. Your hair? :: untied. like siao chabor.
4. your mother? :: at work lo.
5. Your father? :: going to work soon. now watching "jiayou jin shun!"
6. Your favorite thing? :: my security blanket. and the pillow jone gave me for my 18th b'day.
7. Your dream last night? :: was complicated.
8. Your favorite drink? :: i <3 ribena!
9. Your dream car? :: wah. too many to name. a super zhng-ed EVO, Audi TT, Beetle. but my ultimate DREAM car: Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder (it can only be mine in my dreams.)
10. The room you're in? :: computer room.
11. Your sisters? :: nic is at work.
12. Your fear/s? :: losing the person i love most.
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? :: a wife, a mother and a marketing manager of some sorts.
14. Who did you hang out with last night? :: js and the prata men.
15. What you're not good at? (grammar error!! i hate reading grammatically incorrect sentences!) *what ARE YOU not good at?* :: too many to name. i'm not a very useful person.
16. What/who do you hate? :: him. the one who took away my everything.
17. One of your wish list items? :: a job :)
19. The last thing you did? :: drove nic to work and wasted my life away in a jam.
20. What are you wearing? :: mickey mouse tee + fbt shorts.
21. what aren't you wearing? :: *rolls eyes* wat a dumb question.
22. Your pet? :: an imaginary furry cute dwarf bunny!
23. Your computer? :: is my best friend while i bum around at home everyday.
24. Your life? :: torn.
25. Your mood? :: FOUL.
26. Missing? :: him and them.
27. What are you thinking about right now? :: my lovely bed! it's calling my name!
28. Your work? :: AM CURRENTLY JOBLESS. shitto.
29. Your summer? :: my summer? what? errr. sun, sand and beach?
30. Your relationship status? :: "in a relationship"
31. Your favorite? :: favourite wat?!
32. When is the last time you laughed? :: last night. when js said something silly.
i finally did something (relatively) constructive at home! haa. played around with the HTML codes. hope the skin creator won't mind. eeps. XD
i love rainbows. they represent love, hope and dreams to me. i chose this skin bcos it's grey. painting a rainbow in grey skies is tough, yeah? i hope to paint a rainbow for everyone i love, especially during their darkest hours.
my.exams.are.over. am i supposed to be happy or sad? i felt an overwhelming sense of i-dunno-what as i said goodbye to my friends. friends i've made over the past 3 years. we may not have been close friends, we said our hi-s and byes. but at least i know, i was a friend to them.
had a mini farewell lunch for doris. meiyan ling celeste marisa josiah alvin furqan ling cheryl. and we ended the day with a movie session. disney's new picture - meet the robinsons! i liked the futuristic parts, where disney gave us lots of space for imagination. every cartoon has to have a theme/morale of the story right? meet the robinsons's was: "keep moving forward". i guess it pretty much coincides with our life now.
went for yanzi's autograph session yesterday. just 5 of us from the pioneer batch of yzultd was there. me, nich, ccc, doug and craz. what happened to the days when i went with a whole gang of them? what happened to the days when we were still committee members, fussing over admin matters but having fun in the process? those days seem distant. but i remember them so so clearly.
i remember the first time i met them all. at yanzi's concert. i remember us meeting every single day during the sch holidays. i remember us wanting to go out together although we didn't have a single cent on us. i remember us teasing daniel about having to poop after every meal. i remember us walking about aimlessly from bugis to suntec to marina square to esplanade. i remember us singing yanzi's songs from TM to ferli's hse. i remember us crying at j8 after we decided to step down as committee. i remember us ton-ing at sun plaza for her autograph session. i remember our committee meetings which were quite pointless since we ended up talking nonsense. i remember all the birthday celebrations. (1st one we celebrated was nich's) i remember ws's jokes about his too-quiet-neighbourhood. i remember p4 laughing at ws for eating so slowly. i remember p4's "燕姿﹐唱回到過去﹗" i remember js's "燕姿﹐我愛你﹗" i remember js having to chiong thru the mrt faregates bcos he had no money to take the train. i remember falling in love for the 1st time in my life, with ws. 我記得。 我都記得。 as hard as i tried to hold on to all of these, it became clear that i was losing them. it all started falling apart.
and all i have now are memories. memories that i replay over and over again, in the hope that i never forget them.
i've been busy balancing school work and work.. and i'm stressed out because i can't do either well. projects never seem to end, and everything seems to get from bad to worse.
gms is terrible. it's tough enough having to be the last presenting group. it doesn't help that the topic we got is so difficult. and worst of all, i feel that i can't work well with my group mates. i struggle to keep afloat during discussions and i just can't understand what the group is trying to arrive at. i don't see the end. not at all. *i miss my fyp days*
the poor person that bears the brunt, is... the bf. i realised i've been selfish. i almost forget that he is as tired as i am. the bf has been incredibly patient with me. (seriously i don't know how he does it.) and he has been my pillar of support! thank u baby.
not forgetting the NTU bestie, xy, who has to listen to my grouses. and be by my side when i throw my thursday tantrums.. school without her would be unbearable! *LES mode*
the final weeks of school. i want to enjoy them. i must must must work something out soon. ganbatte ne, noeru chan! ganbatte!
