on connectivity

somehow i feel, as we progress and become more technologically connected, we become less connected to others physically and emotionally.
how do you stay connected to someone?

if i "see" someone on facebook/friendster/msn/skype everyday, have the person's email and mobile number, am i counted connected to the person? are we "in contact"?
well, i know what the person is doing (facebook status! msn nicks!), where the person has been to recently and even years ago (facebook photos!), the crowd the person hangs out with, the common friends we have (facebook's 'people-you-might-know' function!), who the person got attached to ("xxx is no longer listed as 'single', he/she is listed as 'in a relationship' with XXX"), whether they are about to get married.
i probably know almost all about that fella! heck, i might even recognise the friend's friends' cos i've been looking at the friend's facebook photos so much!

but hey this is just like stalking them in broad daylight! or rather, they allow themselves to be stalked..

i thought staying in contact meant u had to, u know, at least have some verbal or face-to-face communication (yeah, we have to include online conversations too).

which is why i don't really like pple adding me on facebook or msn quite randomly, and NEVER approach me to talk to me. AND WHAT IS THE USE OF ADDING ME?! please dont tell me "just don't add them/approve the friend request la!". cos i have had weird situations where the person comes up to me and says "how come u never approve my FR or add me back on msn?" errrr right. so i hurried home and added the person. AND WE NEVER SPOKE A WORD SINCE. not even a "hello, how are u doing?"

tell me, what is the point, seriously?

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

a short post

my friend once told me, "noelle, in life, don't ever settle for second best. keep searching till you find the best for yourself!" (she was talking about relationships and boyfriends)

when i think of what she says, i start to wonder...
there is NO BEST person. there is NO RIGHT person.
there is only THE PERSON YOU LOVE MOST.

am i right or not?
bahhh.

another day at work.

p.s: i super love petsociety on facebook! all of you friends who are on my facebook should join petsociety too!!!!

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

and i appreciate.

have been thinking alot these few days.
think my brain is about to reformat soon.
my head is somehow always throbbing away and i feel dizzy quite a bit.

other than the job offers i have been so stressed about, i have been spending quite a fair bit of time at gleneagles.
my good friend's dad is critically ill in ICU and i wish to just spend some time with her.
seeing uncle tubed up in the ICU was painful.
even more so since i saw him 3months ago after his operation to remove the cancerous tumour in his liver, and he was optimistic about how everything would turn out.
an optimistic, semi-healthy person 3months ago, he is now on life support in ICU, fighting for his life.
i feel so.... empathetic, if that is the right word to use here. i feel so much for my friend and her family, but i can't put the feelings into words. i just don't know what to say. i hope she understands my feelings through my actions and hugs.

cancer is really a terrifying disease. it literally eats a person up.
life is really fragile..
just like vincent said, we gotta treat everyone like they'd be gone tomorrow.
so i have been working hard to meet my own expectations of my roles in life.
let everyone around me know how much they mean to me.

i guess after experiencing my grandma's sudden death, seeing jvs's dad's passing, and now my friend's dad situation, i appreciate my family more.

i love my daddy.
i've always been a daddy's girl. when i'm with daddy, i know i will be safe.
i know he will solve all my problems for me. although he pisses me off a lot, i do remember the things he has done for me.
when i was younger, i once developed a high fever in the middle of the night. my daddy carried me in his arms and ran to the 24hr medical centre near my place. i remember feeling terrible, yet once my dad carried me, i knew my illness would go away soon.
all throughout school life and even till now, daddy has been, and still is, my personal chauffeur. i am somehow always faced with situations when i can't get home myself. (last bus left already; no money to take cab; blistered foot/feet so i can't walk home; dizzy spells; caught in the drizzle/shower/thunderstorm; too lazy to go home myself very far from home etcetc). just a call from me, and daddy would nag alot and zoom by to drive me home. better than taxi companies' taxi booking service. personalised service you know? he knows where all my good friends stay, simply bcos he has been to all of their houses to pick me up. in fact, my daddy identifies my friends not by their names but by their address!
to me, my daddy is my hero, my playmate and my entertainer. although he can't help us in our studies cos he's pretty much uneducated, he contributed to me and meimei's lives by playing with us. he always bothered to entertain us by playing games with us, go swimming with us, teaching us how to ride bicycles etc. today, my daddy still entertains us by playing PS2 games with us (although he gets pretty blur about which player he is and keeps "game over-ing")
we get irritated at his attention seeking antics sometimes, but really he is quite funny and adorable.

i love my mummy.
she's my wonderwoman, my know-it-all, my guide book to life.
she always knows what's best for me. she's the one i turn to for advice and support.
and i know, eventually when i choose to walk my own path in life, she'll always be there to support me. mummy brought us up to be decisive, to be strong and to be cautious but bold when making decisions. i'd always thought i veered off these traits, and nic is the independent, strong and decisive one. but as i grow up and see more people around me, i realise i am really much better off than a lot of people in the "decisive, strong and bold" department. i appreciate my mummy's efforts for putting me in a top school and keeping me firmly grounded. i hate the elitist mentality, but being from one of the best schs in singapore create an exposure and experience like no other. and i am proud that i mix well with other people from other schools. although my mummy is a full-time working mother, she never compromises on the time she has for us. she still rushes home to cook a sumptuous dinner for the family, and does all the housework at home. i feel bad that i havent done well in my studies, not as well as she would have liked me to (mummy paid a lot trying to get me educated), but i hope i can make it up to her in other ways.

i could go on and on about my parents. but i'm being summoned for dinner.

being a parent is a tireless job. can't just quit being a parent when you get tired of looking after and being responsible of a child.
but still, i am looking forward to be a mother of the children of the man i love. :)

do you appreciate the people around you?
treasure them before it's too late.

Labels: a-day-in-our-life, penny-for-my-thoughts

money woes

i am so fucking sick of being broke!
i think the bf will be happy to get rid of me soon since i'm a liability to him.
'tis bad.

*wanders off in search of a job*

Labels: a-day-in-our-life, penny-for-my-thoughts

i despise men like u.

to: the man who left his child and wife behind.

do you ever once look back, and feel sorry for what you have done?
do you ever regret leaving your wife and your then 3 year old son to fend for themselves?
do you ever reflect on your deeds, and realised it was wrong?

while you sit in your 3 storey terrace/semi-detached home, do you think about your ex-wife and your son who are suffering the loneliness in the 3 room flat (which you didn't help to buy anyway)?
while you enjoy the simple comforts of a home, do you think about your ex-wife and your son who scrimp and save on daily neccesities to get by?
while you turn on your air-con and go to bed on your luxurious waterbed at night, do you think about your ex-wife and son who has to shower in cold water everyday?

did you even think about how hard life would be for them when you left?
did you even think about the pain you inflicted on them?
did you even care?

to: the woman whom the man left his family for.

do you feel sorry for walking into and breaking up a family that could have been so blissfully happy?
do you feel embarassed when you go for family gatherings because you know you shouldn't be there?
if you don't.. you simply don't have a heart or a conscience.

to: the man's step daughter.

it is to you whom i feel most pity for.
because of something your mother did, you end up with a debt that you can NEVER EVER return.
a kindness you will never get to repay.
do you feel sorry for your step-brother (the son who was left to fend for himself)?
do you realise that everything you enjoy now is what he should be enjoying?
do you know that you experience family warmth that he never did?
and if you do feel sorry, how will you ever give him back what he has lost?
not a chance.


i hate men who walk out on their families.
I HATE THEM.
if you decide to marry someone, isn't she the person you swore to love, to cherish, to take care of for life?
and when you decide to leave, and have another family, you throw them behind, not giving a shit about whether they can cope with life.
your measly $900 ailmony payment a month, doesn't pay for much, so thank you and fuck you.

GRRRRRR. >_<

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

阿嬤, 好想你

今晚特別黑﹐特別靜﹐特別寂寞。
真適合想念阿嬤。

如果那天早上﹐我們打電話給ahma﹐我們就會得知她病了。
如果我們知道她病了﹐我們就會送她去醫院做治療。。。
如果阿嬤住在我家﹐身體健康就不會越來越差。。
如果阿嬤不這麼固執﹐獨立。。
如果。。如果。。。

再多的‘如果’﹐再多的‘早知道’﹐也喚不回我親愛的阿嬤。
再多的難過與不捨得﹐也挽回不了我們的過去。

我家樓下的小公園翻新好了。。
好想牽著阿嬤的手﹐走著。。

好想帶阿嬤去看我做工的地方。。
我的第一分工作。。她一定會很開心。。

好想一直叫著“阿嬤﹗我來了﹗”﹐ 然後看著她開心的笑臉。

好想陪她做好多好多事情。。。

還沒來的及好好孝順她﹐她就這麼突然離我而去。
很不甘心。。
那些對不起我阿嬤的人﹐我永遠不會忘記。
若不是因為你們的自私﹐阿嬤就不會走。。

你們怎麼對阿嬤﹐自己最清楚。
人在做﹐天在看。
我們等著吧。。

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

ARGH

someone stab me, quick.
i need to get rid of the throbbing pain in my heart.
：（

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

goodbye, grandma

i remember those days when i stayed over at your house.
i remember those days when we walked hand-in-hand to buy breakfast.

i remember those days when you were lively and healthy.. you would cook a fantastic spread of dishes for dinner.
i remember those days when you were so happy to see us enjoying your yummy fried chicken wings.

i remember those days when you brought me to wedding dinners and proudly announced to your friends that i was your eldest granddaughter.

i remember those days when i slept in the same room as you.

i remember the day i saw you in ICU after your heart bypass - you were in pain, tubed up.
i cried, but you told me you were alright.

i remember the days we spent together on holidays.
australia, china, m'sia, thailand, macau...
i hope you enjoyed the holidays with us.

i remember that i learnt how to sing hokkien songs for you.
i remember you beaming at me, when i sang them for you.

i remember that you were delighted when i gave you money from my first pay cheque!
i wish i could continue giving you a portion of my pay..

i remember all the visits to the doctor's.
you would complain about the long wait, and i would talk to you to distract you.

i remember i would call you at random, just to ask you if you had eaten your dinner.
in fact, i still remember your old house number - 2877552.

i remember you reaching out to hold my hands when i was a little girl..
and i remember giving you my hand for support as you aged.

i remember that you loved me.
i'll never forget that.
thank you for looking after me when i was a baby.
it has been hard on you.
you have toiled long enough..
rest well.

ahma, 請記得我﹐別把我忘了。。
因為我下輩子﹐還是想當你的孫女。
謝謝你給我這麼多美麗的回憶。
ahma﹐ 我愛你。

Labels: a-day-in-our-life, penny-for-my-thoughts

random post no.14

我懷念的是。。。





我想念5個人的energy.
很想念﹐很想念。
翻出了他們的cd, 剪報﹐雜誌。。
想起我們一起擁有的回憶。

5人的energy, 用再多的錢/淚/汗﹐ 都喚不回來了。
5人的energy, 我不會忘記。
一輩子的回憶。。。


work's driving me mad.
not the workload, but the management.
i'm beginning to dislike/disrespect my manager.
and that makes everything difficult.
more about this another day.

for now, i leave everything behind and run away with the dearie at work.

thanks for letting me have my way all the time. HAHA
thanks for your care when we were away! :)

ARGHHHH i'm growing FAT! :(((
this is really bad.
noelle, STOP SNACKING!

Labels: Idol Fever, penny-for-my-thoughts, photo-whoring, Random Posts

MSN relations.

i just looked thru my msn list.
and i realised i don't talk to 75% of the pple on it.
e bulk of it comes clearly from the NTU group.
i have 49 people in that group, and i talk to 5 of them regularly, and 3 more of them occasionally.
i bet most of them don't remember who i am.
we worked briefly together on various projects in a particular sem, and msn happened to be the easiest way of communicating with each other.
but when the project ends, so does the communication.

i am, however, more upset and disappointed at how i handle my relationships with the other people in my other groups.

9jms don't contribute to my disappointment. they clear this easily, cos i do chat with them online regularly.

under the group that i labelled "Energy Fans", i keep constant contact with HL, Christine, Peirong and Loojean.
and i'm thankful to them for making the effort to work at our friendship.

"JC friends". i chat with 5 out of 17 regularly, 3 occasionally, and e rest, NOT AT ALL.
what am i doing?!
why are they even on my list?!

my "SC girls" failed terribly.
out of 9 girls, i chat with 3 of them very very VERY occasionally, and not with e rest of the 6 girls.
once again, why are they even on my list?!
and why am i on their list?!

and the group that upset me the most: "YZULTD"
yzultd gave me beautiful memories.
we forged friendships that managed to extend further than just our liking for yanzi.
or so it seemed.
i guess life is taking a toll on the friendship.
out of 14 people in the group (including wilson who is basically non-existent on my msn cos he probably blocked and deleted me, resulting in me NEVER seeing him online), i talk to a grand total of 1 person occasionally.
SIGH SIGH SIGH.
even as i fight hard to protect my memories of YZULTD, they are slowly but surely, fading away.
and i am feeling a strong need to build up more memories.
as much as i can, i stay away from places that i frequented with them, so as to not "taint" the memory i have of that place.
something must be done soon.
i need money. and den i can organise a chalet or something.

Labels: a-day-in-our-life, penny-for-my-thoughts

遺失的美好。。。

記得2年前的某一天﹐
我和xy聊起了這首歌。
“有的人說不清那裡好﹐但就是誰都替代不了。。”
真~的。

愛情真的很可怕。
它可以把你捧上天﹐也可以把你推下地獄。

我還能忍多久呢﹖
這2年多的折磨﹐到底幾時才結束﹖

愛你愛到失去你﹐
是我最大的失敗吧。
你的不聞不問﹐
我的痛徹心扉。

不知道自己在想什麼。。
也許到頭來﹐一切都只是我的痴心妄想。

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

那個他。。。

離開了
就這麼消失了

快樂走遠了
幸福不見了
未來模糊了
心﹐鎖上了

等著他。。
他知道嗎﹖
他在乎嗎﹖

Labels: literature, penny-for-my-thoughts

it's gonna be tough.

but..
i've made up my mind.
things that have to be done, have to be done.

if you wanna make it easier for me, just be my friend.
just be here for me.
that's it.

i don't hope for any encouraging words since this matter has been around for so long.
i don't need your understanding.
bcos you're not me.
you don't know wat it feels like.
you're not the one who feels tormented.
i wish i didn't have to go through this.
but i think this is the best way out now.

if you wish to help, just be here to hold me when i fall to my knees.

i thank you in advance.

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

i'm gonna become an old bitch

i'm feeling so ARGH-I-CAN'T-EXPLAIN.
very grumpy, grouchy, bitchy..
you get the idea right?

i drove home at 245am just to realise that there isn't a carpark lot for me to park my car in.
i searched the WHOLE CARPARK!
bloody hell.
what do you expect me to do with my car? bring it home with me?!
why would you issue more season parking tickets than carpark lots available?!
i parked the car along double yellow lines.
if i receive a fine tomorrow morning, i am so gonna fuck HDB or whoever upside down.

i feel upset when i see couples lovey-dovey.
i miss my lovey-dovey days too.
ah fuck all the lovey-dovey things in the world.
fuck all the happy people in the world.

and fuck you too.
bcos you made me this miserable.
i wish i could hate you.

<我恨我爱你> - 張惠妹

都怪我太不争气
我恨我爱你
oh~我爱你
只是因为你是你
oh~我恨你
你有我看也看不清的小聪明
你有我说也说不完的坏脾气
你有我数也数不尽你的…
.新恋情
没关系…
我有你拿也拿不走的旧回忆
我可以一个人安静的忘记你
我恨你最后那一句
我爱你

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts, waxing-lyrical

should i fight? or should i give up?

there are some days when i just wanna give it all up.
to forget all the pain, sorrow, guilt and all the crap feelings that i'm not supposed to feel.
to give up all the happiness, bliss, joy and all the other feelings that i'm not supposed to enjoy.

if i choose to fight, who/wat am i fighting for?
this is all very confusing.

i am nothing but an empty shell.
i am nothing without you.

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

the importance of your happiness..

please be happy.
be happier than before.
bcos i didn't leave you for you to be unhappier.

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

my sunshades.

i've recently taken to wearing sunshades when i'm out.
sure, it invites stares and strange looks from people.
it makes gloomy days darker for me.
but it shields me from everything else.
it hides my tired eyes, my dark eye-rings, my pain and tears.

my eyes give me away.
someone once told me, "you can be smiling happily on the outside, but one look into your eyes and i know you're not happy inside."
i don't want to show others my unhappiness, my weakness and my vulnerability.

i love my shades.

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

scribbles

thanks for the long distance call, alex!
it meant SO much to me.
my dear carrot friend.
HUG.

got a new set of drawers.
reorganising my room, reorganising my life.
getting used to singlehood again.

i must be brave and strong...
to seek my dreams and follow my heart.

Labels: a-day-in-our-life, penny-for-my-thoughts

i'm sorry

i know you'll probably read this.

i'm sorry that i can't be the person i wanted to be.
i'm sorry that i let you down.

taking a hiatus from blogging.
need to reorganise my life a bit.

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts

hmmmmm...

does time pass faster when you're feeling happy or when you're feeling melancholy?
am i really happy?
are we really happy?
or are we lamenting on lost chances, loves forgone and our seemingly happier past?

although we say time stops when we're feeling down, i feel that time flies by.
2 years have flown by, just like that.
i almost forgot what it feels like to live.

Labels: penny-for-my-thoughts